Юмор, приколы и фразы для профи в АНГЛИЙСКОМ
 

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

[01.02.2012 23:07:55] Евгения: Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

One of the best things that I like-say it fast n quick: CHOP IS DISH

WELCOME TO: [url]http://vk.com/krasnodar_english_club[/url] AS WELL

Американские дети, приглашённые на кремлёвскую ёлку, обосрались от страха, когда погас свет и русские дети начали вызывать Угрюмого Мертвеца (Dead Morose! Dead Morose!)

You look a more yeah! Doo-bop sale only У лукоморья дуб зелёный;
Sly tired saved now Doo-bop Tom Златая цепь на дубе том:
I’d know and no chew Coat ouch only И днём и ночью кот учёный
So cold it pass E.P. Crow go Всё ходит по цепи кругом;
Idiot no Levi’s Pence save or did Идёт направо - песнь заводит,
No private sky school Go award it Налево - сказку говорит.
Tom shoe desert Tom Lee shave broad it Там чудеса: там леший бродит,
Root sale cow no Wet back CD Русалка на ветвях сидит;
Tom now never do mix Door age car Там на неведомых дорожках
Slim diner video nick sever way Следы невиданных зверей;
Is Buch car? Tom now cool Rich no-spa Избушка там на курьих ножках
Stop it be is Akon Edward A. Стоит без окон, без дверей;
Tom sourse cach a note Sly Tom Check it Там царь Кащей над златом чахнет;
Tom root sky doc…Tom root sew pack net Там русский дух... там Русью пахнет!
Ilya, Tom, BillMe add pay way pill И там я был, мёд пиво пил;
Pose I’m tick low По усам текло;
Wrote new purple, o! В рот не попало.

6-TransEng >
[em]Idiot no Levi’s Pence save or did Идёт направо - песнь заводит,
No private sky school Go award it Налево - сказку говорит.[/em]
Проверьте, пожалуйста, еще раз.

Эт не мое прооизведение и эт тема созданна не для того что бы проверять и попровлять, а для того что былюбой человек знающий Английский мог прочесть-улыбнуться и поделиться! С ув. Amer Chillut

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."

Nice one Mr/Mrs V! :))) Check this out!
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

5-TransEng >спасибо, запомним-с :)

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”

so funny, are these jokes british?

12-v >Nice one-even in russian it would not lose its sence of humor!!!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

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General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
God, I would pay money to have seen her face.